City of Brotherly Love officials shock the education community and announce Milton Street as Philadelphia’s new chief of schools.
by Bartleby Baumgartner
PHILADELPHIA, PA In a shocking early morning decision from their headquarters beneath Billy Penn, City of Brotherly Love officials announced that former state legislator and federal prisoner Milton Street will be the new chief of public schools.
“His prison record really shouldn’t be an issue here,” a City of Brotherly Love spokesperson said. “I don’t see why people always focus on the negatives.” The City insisted he was only in jail for a few misdemeanor counts of tax evasion, and that that shouldn’t keep him from serving as superintendent.
“Who pays their taxes anymore, anyway?” a City spokesperson said. “Queen Arlene never paid her taxes. Didn’t she owe backed taxes in like three states?”
Several parents on hand for the announcement questioned the City’s decision, citing Milton Street’s age—he is now 72 years old—as a factor.
“This guy is pretty old,” Beatrice Bixby, mother of a Philadelphia middle-schooler, said. “Ain’t he like seventy-something now? I don’t know if I want some old guy running our schools. Old people forget stuff, and they have trouble seeing things. Like when they back their car up out of their garage. You ever see an old person do that? Just throw their car in reverse and start backing up, not caring who is behind them? Man, that is no joke.”
The City stood behind its decision to bring Milton on. They said he has the passion, the experience, and the nifty black wool hat to lead Philadelphia’s school children into the 21st century.
“Sure he was in prison, but have you seen his wool hat?” a City official said. “You got a guy like that wearing a hat like that, who knows? The sky’s the limit. Great things are possible.”
“He looks like an elf!” said Brandi Brown, a sixth grader from the Far Northeast.
The tide may indeed be turning for Philadelphia’s public schools. Of course, only time will tell if the City’s April 1st decision to hire Milton Street will reap the kind of benefits the education community has long been hoping for.